The mood status on the journal says it all. And of course it comes in at the most inconvenient of times AGAIN when I really need to focus.
It all began with my car breaking down today on my way home from the bank. The ballpoint on my car broke and the wheel caved in. I was lucky to make it out alive and get off the road safely. My phone was glitching so it was next to impossible to get in contact with someone to come pick me up. Thankfully my uncle came and his insurance company provided a tow truck to pull my car away when I didn't have the money for a tow truck. Still, the problem remains that I need this fixed but I don't have the money to do so. This greatly impedes my ability to get to school on time and to get to work. I have no money for either a repair or a new car. And on top of that my mother is hounding me for car insurance money which I can't provide because school does not allow me to work the hours needed to provide a paycheck large enough to pay it. So with all these new expenses, this takes away my ability to pay for other things this season. The midnight premiere of The Hobbit 2 isn't going to happen, Christmas shopping probably won't happen this year either, I won't even be able to save money for a car let alone repairs because she seems to think that I make enough money for all this as a full time college student. I am financially fucked right now.
Then comes school. Even after seeing an English advisor, I still need to take summer school to graduate on time this year. My mother has yet again taken it upon herself to verbally attack me for not taking five classes a semester like I was supposed to for the last two semesters when my previous three years of college showed academically, psychologically, and physically that piling on courses was not good for me and my school efforts due to burnout. Had I taken five courses the last two semesters, I probably would have gotten worse grades than I did and I probably would have lost my scholarships (something that's really concerning me now with my other classes not being good at documenting grades). Having to focus so much on doing well in school, I have not been given the time to even think about let alone apply for grad school which now clearly will not happen in time like I had hoped it would. This is honestly very crushing because I've worked so hard at everything I've done and now I'm being told that I don't have enough credits to graduate. And of course summer classes are going to cost money which I'm not gonna have because of my car problems now. No diploma, no money, no car, I'm really fucked now. And after everything I've given up too for school.
So I won't be having a summer at all this year because I have to go to school and then directly to grad school while heavily in debt from a broken down car and summer classes. And my mother seems to think I can focus through all this and just go from one tiring routine to another. Its not gonna happen. If I go directly from summer school to grad school, I will fail from total burn out. I can't take school anymore, its too frustrating, to exhausting, and I don't even feel like a person anymore. I feel like this isn't being done for me but for my parents and their image. This all ties in to a guilt complex I've had all my life but I'm not going to go into that. Hell, even if I were to just fly through grad school with good grades and words from all the fucking intellectuals who determine if I'm really worthy to be someone of higher education I won't be ready for the real world. The reason my uncle had to come rescue me today was because I didn't know how to call for a tow truck. I literally just learned today that in the emergency of a car break down, not only in a car accident, that I'm supposed to call my insurance agent immediately to get a tow truck and cover problems like this. I'm 22 years old, an adult, and I don't know this. My own personal weakness would probably be an excuse to some people but I'm honestly ashamed of myself for not knowing something this basic at 22 years old when I'm going to be moving out into the real world very soon. I should know these things but I don't because I've been focusing so much of my time and energy on learning from books that I haven't done a thing to learn about what adult life really entails not to mention that no one has bothered to teach me when I need to know these things as I prepare to eventually move out of my parents house.
I should just take a year off of school in order to regroup and learn these things but of course my mother is threatening me in every sort of way she can to discourage this. She seems to think that if I don't keep going, I'll never go back and that I would waste a year off doing nothing like my fucking sister who mooches off of her and my dad and doesn't do a Goddamn thing with herself. She doesn't think I'm capable of going out and looking for a job so I could attempt to pay off all this new found debt and that I'd only be playing video games all day or some other shit. Let's not forget too that I need to type a thesis for grad school in order to get in and those aren't some sort of high school book report that you can just bullshit on the spot and hand in. But how could she possibly understand this when she never graduated college herself? She never had to write anything or do anything to earn her diploma, she didn't even know what she wanted to do with her life and thus has never had to work for a long term goal and understand the strain it puts on a person, especially someone whose going into an academic field and has to spend his life proving his worth as an intellectual to university boards and the education system when he does earn his PHD. Its just so infuriating for me right now.
I'm sorry to rant like this but I'm in a very bad case of depression right now on the eve of my final exams. Forgive my sounding down and irritated right now but I can't help it. Maybe I need to be put on pills for this because this always seems to happen at the exact same time.